Day 100

Well here we are.

Girls are back at preschool for the next couple of weeks and we are working out this tentative new normal. we had a lovely time enjoying some freedom in the glorious sunshine last week and just figuring out how life works now.  

coffee with my boyz

Here is a recent exchange with the girls which sums up the confusion of the country;

Clara: 'so we can go back to preschool mummy, are the poorly people better?'

Me: 'umm no, at least not all of them, some of them are better but not everyone.'

Clara: 'so can we go swimming?'

Me: 'no I'm afraid not'

Sylvie: (interrupting in a sing song tone) 'but we can always go to the woods?!'

Me: 'yes Sylvie we can always go to the woods, how about this afternoon?!'

Sylvie: 'but I don't want to'

Me: oh okay.

Clara: and can we see granny and grandpa?

Me: yes I think we can stay with them soon! Although probably best not to hug them, I think, but I'm not sure *bangs head against wall*

I've been feeling deflated, partly by dint of the cooler weather, partly by the baby cutting molars with a resultant serious dip in the sleep stakes.

Trying to stay well, mainly by not reading news articles entitled 'the new swine flu', excercizing regularly and cutting out sweets and chocolate for now (Sob).

Just getting through each day at this point.

Gradually dipping our toe into making plans to see family and friends, the baby turned one this past weekend and we celebrated it with my brother and his family which was lovely.

one!!

teeny babe

cant believe it was a whole year ago that we finally convinced him to come out!!! Full story is here...

                       http://encounterswithjoy.blogspot.com/2019/07/leo-isaac-david.html

with his cousin

strawberry picking 

Leo celebrated it by learning how to throw things in the toilet! (RIP landline).

weve also been discovering some more local walks and making some new equine friends. 

Sending love and hoping that everyone else is enjoying some of the simpler pleasures in this new normal. 

love adventuring with these lovelies

garden haul

I made Jam! for the first time since I did it here.....

                                         http://encounterswithjoy.blogspot.com/2010/07/jam.html

Balancing Act

When I look at this picture I think of the balance tipping. I think about what a delicate tightrope the whole world is walking on right now.

A balance that can come crashing down at any moment.

This picture looks peaceful and calm, but 10 minutes later me and Sylvie were both crying our eyes out.

Like I said, things can change quickly around here.

At the start of the week we all felt quite hopeful! Things were gradually getting better, the girls were due back at preschool for two mornings at the start of the week and Matt had taken the week off for a much needed break and change in routine. Day trips were planned and we were excited.

Then suddenly, on Monday evening after a lovely morning of preschool Clara complained of a headache and we realised she was running a temperature.

She was still hot in the morning so we took her to have a Covid test done. As those of you who have had one know, it is a far from pleasant experience. She was scared and upset and it was pretty stressful for Matt as well who had to administer the test in the back of the car.

Since then we've been waiting for the result. She perked up very quickly and has been her normal cheerful self (which I am beyond greatful for) but the flip side is that we all have to isolate until we get a negative test back for her.

This has cast a serious gloom on Matt and I, which the (ever observant) children have picked up on. Watching these precious rest days waste away. We've tried to do some fun things, but I just feel terrible.

Trapped once again, freedom taken away.

I hate this.

Just after the first picture was taken I attempted to put Sylvie In her bed. Just as she was dropping off a friend rang the doorbell and woke her. After that she was inconsolable. I lay down next to her and after a while began to cry as well, rocking her in my arms.

This is so hard.

These days can feel isolated and introspective. In the same hour I can feel both like parent of the year and a complete failure. There is a sense of disconnect for me that I am finding is casting me severely off kilter.

Like I said before, we are all balancing.

Yet some things need to come crashing down. I've been following the changes triggered by the aftermath of the tragic death of George Floyd. So many voices are speaking up and finally being heard. We all need to re-examine ourselves in the light of George Floyd's murder and in the light of the many other black lives needlessly lost.

Personally I am sorry for where I haven't been aware enough or perhaps interested enough, to speak up and make changes. To push forwards into a world where Black lives are valued and protected in the same way that their white counterparts take for granted.

I am commited to re-educating myself and those I hold sway with. To standing as a better and stronger advocate until privalege is something that we can all enjoy whatever the tone of our skin.

There is so much to learn and we are often scared to say anything in case we say the wrong thing. But maybe life is too short for us to live enthralled to the terrible possibility of being wrong.

So these are the tightropes I'm balancing on at the moment. I know I'm not alone no matter how much it can feel like it sometimes. So many of us are asking deeper questions both of ourselves and of the systems all around us.

And I'm struggling for God, longing to hear his voice in this mess. Longing to feel his grace for the terrible hash we humans have made of things.

Right now he speaks to me through our Psalm 23 baby board book. 

Every night Leo reaches for it and somehow every night it ministers to the raw and confused places in me. I think anything else would be too complicated right now. But somehow in the words intended for a child, I have found some peace.

I have included the final paragraph here.

The book is 'Found' Psalm 23 by Sally Lloyd Joles

'Wherever I go I know

 God’s never stopping
never giving up
unbreaking 

always and forever love will go too!”
Looking forward to brighter days soon.

birthday dungerees

back when it was sunny!

and finally speaking of balancing Leo is now officially a Biped!