week 10

Deaths of flowers

I would if I could choose

Age and die outwards as a tulip does;

Not as this iris drawing in, in-coiling

Its complex strange taut inflorescence, willing

Itself a bud again - though all achieved is

No more than a clenched sadness,

The tears of gum not flowing.

I would choose the tulips reckless way of going;

Whose petals answer light, altering by fractions

From closed to wide, from one through many perfections,

Til wreched, flamboyant, strayed beyond recall,

Like flakes of fire they piecemeal fall.

Edith Joy Scovell

I was reminded of this poem by my birthday bouquet.

I haven't written In a while. Life is moving forward again, trundling slowly. The relief of walks with  friends and now we can have people in our garden from Monday! I've been poised for this moment having worked hard to plant and tidy these past couple of months.

I had my 32nd birthday, it was wonderful, flowers and scones and an online game with my family in the evening where we all groaned at my brother's slow internet connection and slower turn taking! Lovely presents and cards, all in all a fantastic day.

We've also had word that the girls can go back to preschool in the next couple of weeks! We are going to send them and feel happy to do so. Which will leave me with two days a week and just the baby! Luxury.

Matt's decided to take a week off to have a proper break, we would have been off on holiday to France next week so trying not to think about that too much. Hopefully we'll be able to have a day trip to the seaside and do some nice things as a family.

Dominic Cummings has dominated the news. I like many others have been furious. I've really struggled to contain anger the last few weeks when I've heard of or seen people breaking lockdown unnecessarily and sometimes selfishly.

This and other stories like it are particularly painful. I miss my family a lot. I find it hard when politicians talk about being able to see 'both parents' now with the increased gathering numbers as I don't know when I will be permitted to travel and stay with my parents.

So many of us don't live round the corner from family and are wondering when this will be possible. Trying to tread lightly and not indulge the anger but also to acknowledge the feelings.

I don't know what else to say about that other than that I am a work in progress.

We finally got our hands on a trampoline this week which makes me feel like a teenager again in a great way, I can even still do a front flip!

Here are some photos of the nice moments xx

local swan family!

trampoline!!!

distanced walks with friends  

windy picnics 

hammock milk 

stunning views

May 13

Still here, feeling a bit despondent this week.

Last week the sun shone the paddling pool was out and I really felt like I was smashing this parenting in lockdown thing.

This week we are all tired despite the extra sleep. There have been many Tantrums and emotional outbursts (and that’s just me!).

I just feel on a less even footing, and the announcement at the weekend felt confusing and so far off what I wanted to hear.

I am making tentative plans to meet with a friend to walk and another to cycle which is exciting, but it does make me reflect on all that we are missing out on.

I am also feeling quite embarrassed to be English right now. Embarrassed by this government who I did not vote for or want and for our desertion of the EU (see previous)  its painful to see the lies and mistakes being told and made. I feel I have lost faith in democracy and it is making me feel very uncomfortable.

On the positive side of things I am enjoying more time to read and cycling. We also installed a basketball net which has been a lot of fun.

I wonder if anyone else is feeling a bit down this week? We’ve been doing this so long now that we can forget what we’ve achieved so far.

 I love looking back at my phone pictures.

 Little snapshots of beauty in these never ending days.

such a mess all the time!!!

loose parts play

in the treehouse 

keep having to wake this one up from danger naps

peter rabbit small world 

sums them both up!!!

Day 50 (May)

 Well we did it. We lost an entire month to lockdown!

This feels a bit crazy and I am praying and praying and praying that the month of May (my favourite month, my BIRTH month no less) will not go the same way.

The last week or so I have been attempting to prioritise some ‘me’ time like so…..

This has been good, particularly since I discovered Schitts creek on Netflix!!

Things still feel very repetitive (unsurprisingly) so I am whipping some more sensory based activities out for the kids which is helping me with a bit more of a sense of purpose.

A massive plus has been that all our kids are sleeping amazingly well! (This is by no means a given with them!!) But we have taken lockdown as a chance to straighten them all out, sticker charts, nocturnal milk ban etc and its starting to pay off, with Sylvie even deciding to ditch her night time nappy all by herself this past week. Its so nice to feel like we are moving forward even whilst being restricted in other areas.

We also have finally managed to pump up our bikes and do some cycling which has been absolutely amazing. Just so nice to do something different with my body. Leo enjoys it too!

Clara had a hard moment today. She completely lost it when matt had to pop out, shouting and crying. She just seemed really stressed by it. I cuddled her and tried to get her to talk to me about why she was so upset but she didn’t really know. I thought we were shielding her from the anxiety of the situation fairly well, but she’s emotionally perceptive and often more aware than we realise which makes me wonder how much else she picks up on.

Things like this make me feel so scared about how we’ll ever get back to normal life again. Will the children have been scarred in some way by this experience?

Most of the time her and Sylvie are really happy and enjoying their time together, at the moment I can sometimes forget what’s going on as we move through the days in our new routine but then something jarring  catches me unawares.

not easy to get a family selfie!!