Landslides

I am in the garden, and my imagination fills it up with people unbidden. Cousins shout and giggle at me from the hammock, the paddling pool overflows as kids jump in and out.

Friends in and out of our spare room, shared meals around our too small table in the kitchen.

Matts ordination, the smiling faces of friends old and new. Back two summers ago to Sylvies first birthday, gazebo up blowing out the candles surrounded by balloons and more people.

I pull myself back to the present. Just me, pushing Leo on the swing as the blazing sun sets on another autumn day.

I felt the loss at that moment.

I haven’t written in a while because, honestly whats to write? When there was a bit of freedom on the cards we were jumping at it and too busy experiencing it to bother putting pen to paper! Then when it slowly ebbed away I felt too disheartened to record it.

Today I felt like I wanted to again though. Leeds goes into tier three on Monday. Life will go back to being more like the lockdown we experienced in the spring, I want to write about the strangeness of these times. The odd sense of futility as the numbers rise again. The bizarre parcelling up of the UK with first the devolved nations and then of England itself as we are organised into tiers.  

We had some truly glorious times over the summer, visiting friends and going on holiday. We even had people stay with us which was amazing. A meal for Sylvie’s birthday with close friends was another highlight.

 And finally I hosted my immediate family for my mums 60^th birthday. That day was one of those memories that we’ll all keep forever. 

We've also managed to met our nephew Arlo and our niece Charlotte who were both born during lockdown. 

Arlo!

                                                                                   

I’m so glad that we went full throttle in the summer months (though we were of course within the rules, safe and socially distanced etc) because now we’ve been cast back into murky uncertainty again.

|Tomlinson time

It feels almost more surreal to me than the first time. Of course we’ve learned some coping mechanisms since that first lockdown and have had some improvements in our circumstances…

-        -   Regular bike riding is now happily a part of my life, space for just me or for adventuring with one of the kids.

 -  - We now have Clara in school and Sylvie in preschool so I don’t have to entertain them so much throughout the week (as long as schools stay open!)

solo time with this one

Best Bubble pals!

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-     - We have formed a ‘childcare bubble’ with a friend to keep our 1yr olds socialising and hopefully to ensure that they won’t suffer too much separation anxiety when things do go back to normal.

-    - We did it once before and we know that we can do it again. Humans are so resilient as we have seen all around the world in this time.

-     -  I’ve finally mastered booking online shopping slots

Above all we are so fortunate that Matt has a secure job and that we are able to keep afloat well even in the tough times. We tell ourselves this a LOT because honestly looking down the barrel of the next six months is so stressful that it has me reaching for the metaphorical (and often as my waistline can attest to, the actual!) cookies.

Little Charlotte 

I am not okay, this country is not okay and the world is not okay. Yet somehow we must find a way through this thing.

I am trying to apply my thoughts to jobs and the future but I’m struggling to find clarity. I am often exhausted and my concentration is not what it used to be.

Author Sarah Bessey recently likened the global situation to a mountain lake into which a landslide of mud and silt has been dumped. She went on to reflect the following which I found useful..

‘I’d argue that 2020 is a particular landslide for all of us - a global pandemic, uncertainty, political upheaval, exploding racial tensions, rise of Christian nationalism, the powers and principalities of this world all rising. The landslides aren’t over for many of us. We have been buried under the landslides of our times and our days…And we wonder why nothing feels clear, why everything feels murky and uncertain and muddy. We’re living in the aftermath of the landslide and it simply takes time for the dust to settle… in order to have full clarity of what - if anything - is next.’

I guess what I’m saying by sharing this is that we need to have ultimate compassion on ourselves and our neighbours right now. So much is still to come, so much upheaval and inconvenience.

So lets put one foot in front of the other together as we move towards advent. This is normally one of my favourite times of year for slowing down (HA) unplugging and looking forward to once again being reminded of what Jesus was willing to do for us.

This year we need reminding of his mercy more than ever. I desperately need to immerse myself in the hope and joy that that he continually brings, the renewal and strength that comes from his spirit in us.  

making the most of time
with one of my best friends 

the BEST holiday

we celebrated 7 years married!

Day 100

Well here we are.

Girls are back at preschool for the next couple of weeks and we are working out this tentative new normal. we had a lovely time enjoying some freedom in the glorious sunshine last week and just figuring out how life works now.  

coffee with my boyz

Here is a recent exchange with the girls which sums up the confusion of the country;

Clara: 'so we can go back to preschool mummy, are the poorly people better?'

Me: 'umm no, at least not all of them, some of them are better but not everyone.'

Clara: 'so can we go swimming?'

Me: 'no I'm afraid not'

Sylvie: (interrupting in a sing song tone) 'but we can always go to the woods?!'

Me: 'yes Sylvie we can always go to the woods, how about this afternoon?!'

Sylvie: 'but I don't want to'

Me: oh okay.

Clara: and can we see granny and grandpa?

Me: yes I think we can stay with them soon! Although probably best not to hug them, I think, but I'm not sure *bangs head against wall*

I've been feeling deflated, partly by dint of the cooler weather, partly by the baby cutting molars with a resultant serious dip in the sleep stakes.

Trying to stay well, mainly by not reading news articles entitled 'the new swine flu', excercizing regularly and cutting out sweets and chocolate for now (Sob).

Just getting through each day at this point.

Gradually dipping our toe into making plans to see family and friends, the baby turned one this past weekend and we celebrated it with my brother and his family which was lovely.

one!!

teeny babe

cant believe it was a whole year ago that we finally convinced him to come out!!! Full story is here...

                       http://encounterswithjoy.blogspot.com/2019/07/leo-isaac-david.html

with his cousin

strawberry picking 

Leo celebrated it by learning how to throw things in the toilet! (RIP landline).

weve also been discovering some more local walks and making some new equine friends. 

Sending love and hoping that everyone else is enjoying some of the simpler pleasures in this new normal. 

love adventuring with these lovelies

garden haul

I made Jam! for the first time since I did it here.....

                                         http://encounterswithjoy.blogspot.com/2010/07/jam.html

Balancing Act

When I look at this picture I think of the balance tipping. I think about what a delicate tightrope the whole world is walking on right now.

A balance that can come crashing down at any moment.

This picture looks peaceful and calm, but 10 minutes later me and Sylvie were both crying our eyes out.

Like I said, things can change quickly around here.

At the start of the week we all felt quite hopeful! Things were gradually getting better, the girls were due back at preschool for two mornings at the start of the week and Matt had taken the week off for a much needed break and change in routine. Day trips were planned and we were excited.

Then suddenly, on Monday evening after a lovely morning of preschool Clara complained of a headache and we realised she was running a temperature.

She was still hot in the morning so we took her to have a Covid test done. As those of you who have had one know, it is a far from pleasant experience. She was scared and upset and it was pretty stressful for Matt as well who had to administer the test in the back of the car.

Since then we've been waiting for the result. She perked up very quickly and has been her normal cheerful self (which I am beyond greatful for) but the flip side is that we all have to isolate until we get a negative test back for her.

This has cast a serious gloom on Matt and I, which the (ever observant) children have picked up on. Watching these precious rest days waste away. We've tried to do some fun things, but I just feel terrible.

Trapped once again, freedom taken away.

I hate this.

Just after the first picture was taken I attempted to put Sylvie In her bed. Just as she was dropping off a friend rang the doorbell and woke her. After that she was inconsolable. I lay down next to her and after a while began to cry as well, rocking her in my arms.

This is so hard.

These days can feel isolated and introspective. In the same hour I can feel both like parent of the year and a complete failure. There is a sense of disconnect for me that I am finding is casting me severely off kilter.

Like I said before, we are all balancing.

Yet some things need to come crashing down. I've been following the changes triggered by the aftermath of the tragic death of George Floyd. So many voices are speaking up and finally being heard. We all need to re-examine ourselves in the light of George Floyd's murder and in the light of the many other black lives needlessly lost.

Personally I am sorry for where I haven't been aware enough or perhaps interested enough, to speak up and make changes. To push forwards into a world where Black lives are valued and protected in the same way that their white counterparts take for granted.

I am commited to re-educating myself and those I hold sway with. To standing as a better and stronger advocate until privalege is something that we can all enjoy whatever the tone of our skin.

There is so much to learn and we are often scared to say anything in case we say the wrong thing. But maybe life is too short for us to live enthralled to the terrible possibility of being wrong.

So these are the tightropes I'm balancing on at the moment. I know I'm not alone no matter how much it can feel like it sometimes. So many of us are asking deeper questions both of ourselves and of the systems all around us.

And I'm struggling for God, longing to hear his voice in this mess. Longing to feel his grace for the terrible hash we humans have made of things.

Right now he speaks to me through our Psalm 23 baby board book. 

Every night Leo reaches for it and somehow every night it ministers to the raw and confused places in me. I think anything else would be too complicated right now. But somehow in the words intended for a child, I have found some peace.

I have included the final paragraph here.

The book is 'Found' Psalm 23 by Sally Lloyd Joles

'Wherever I go I know

 God’s never stopping
never giving up
unbreaking 

always and forever love will go too!”
Looking forward to brighter days soon.

birthday dungerees

back when it was sunny!

and finally speaking of balancing Leo is now officially a Biped!

week 10

Deaths of flowers

I would if I could choose

Age and die outwards as a tulip does;

Not as this iris drawing in, in-coiling

Its complex strange taut inflorescence, willing

Itself a bud again - though all achieved is

No more than a clenched sadness,

The tears of gum not flowing.

I would choose the tulips reckless way of going;

Whose petals answer light, altering by fractions

From closed to wide, from one through many perfections,

Til wreched, flamboyant, strayed beyond recall,

Like flakes of fire they piecemeal fall.

Edith Joy Scovell

I was reminded of this poem by my birthday bouquet.

I haven't written In a while. Life is moving forward again, trundling slowly. The relief of walks with  friends and now we can have people in our garden from Monday! I've been poised for this moment having worked hard to plant and tidy these past couple of months.

I had my 32nd birthday, it was wonderful, flowers and scones and an online game with my family in the evening where we all groaned at my brother's slow internet connection and slower turn taking! Lovely presents and cards, all in all a fantastic day.

We've also had word that the girls can go back to preschool in the next couple of weeks! We are going to send them and feel happy to do so. Which will leave me with two days a week and just the baby! Luxury.

Matt's decided to take a week off to have a proper break, we would have been off on holiday to France next week so trying not to think about that too much. Hopefully we'll be able to have a day trip to the seaside and do some nice things as a family.

Dominic Cummings has dominated the news. I like many others have been furious. I've really struggled to contain anger the last few weeks when I've heard of or seen people breaking lockdown unnecessarily and sometimes selfishly.

This and other stories like it are particularly painful. I miss my family a lot. I find it hard when politicians talk about being able to see 'both parents' now with the increased gathering numbers as I don't know when I will be permitted to travel and stay with my parents.

So many of us don't live round the corner from family and are wondering when this will be possible. Trying to tread lightly and not indulge the anger but also to acknowledge the feelings.

I don't know what else to say about that other than that I am a work in progress.

We finally got our hands on a trampoline this week which makes me feel like a teenager again in a great way, I can even still do a front flip!

Here are some photos of the nice moments xx

local swan family!

trampoline!!!

distanced walks with friends  

windy picnics 

hammock milk 

stunning views