When I look at this picture I think of the balance tipping.
I think about what a delicate tightrope the whole world is walking on right
now.
A balance that can come crashing down at any moment.
This picture looks peaceful and calm, but 10 minutes later
me and Sylvie were both crying our eyes out.
Like I said, things can change quickly around here.
At the start of the week we all felt quite hopeful! Things
were gradually getting better, the girls were due back at preschool for two
mornings at the start of the week and Matt had taken the week off for a much
needed break and change in routine. Day trips were planned and we were excited.
Then suddenly, on Monday evening after a lovely morning of
preschool Clara complained of a headache and we realised she was running a
temperature.
She was still hot in the morning so we took her to have a
Covid test done. As those of you who have had one know, it is a far from
pleasant experience. She was scared and upset and it was pretty stressful for
Matt as well who had to administer the test in the back of the car.
Since then we've been waiting for the result. She perked up
very quickly and has been her normal cheerful self (which I am beyond greatful
for) but the flip side is that we all have to isolate until we get a negative
test back for her.
This has cast a serious gloom on Matt and I, which the (ever
observant) children have picked up on. Watching these precious rest days waste
away. We've tried to do some fun things, but I just feel terrible.
Trapped once again, freedom taken away.
I hate this.
Just after the first picture was taken I attempted to put Sylvie
In her bed. Just as she was dropping off a friend rang the doorbell and woke
her. After that she was inconsolable. I lay down next to her and after a while
began to cry as well, rocking her in my arms.
This is so hard.
These days can feel isolated and introspective. In the same
hour I can feel both like parent of the year and a complete failure. There is a
sense of disconnect for me that I am finding is casting me severely off kilter.
Like I said before, we are all balancing.
Yet some things need to come crashing down. I've been
following the changes triggered by the aftermath of the tragic death of George
Floyd. So many voices are speaking up and finally being heard. We all need to
re-examine ourselves in the light of George Floyd's murder and in the light of
the many other black lives needlessly lost.
Personally I am sorry for where I haven't been aware enough
or perhaps interested enough, to speak up and make changes. To push forwards
into a world where Black lives are valued and protected in the same way that
their white counterparts take for granted.
I am commited to re-educating myself and those I hold sway
with. To standing as a better and stronger advocate until privalege is
something that we can all enjoy whatever the tone of our skin.
There is so much to learn and we are often scared to say
anything in case we say the wrong thing. But maybe life is too short for us to
live enthralled to the terrible possibility of being wrong.
So these are the tightropes I'm balancing on at the moment.
I know I'm not alone no matter how much it can feel like it sometimes. So many
of us are asking deeper questions both of ourselves and of the systems all
around us.
And I'm struggling for God, longing to hear his voice in
this mess. Longing to feel his grace for the terrible hash we humans have made
of things.
Right now he speaks to me through our Psalm 23 baby board
book.
Every night Leo reaches for it and somehow every night it ministers to
the raw and confused places in me. I think anything else would be too
complicated right now. But somehow in the words intended for a child, I have
found some peace.
I have included the final paragraph here.
The book is 'Found' Psalm 23 by Sally Lloyd Joles
God’s never stopping
never giving up
unbreaking
never giving up
unbreaking
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