Sunday, 7 February 2016

A note to the child who has colonised my insides

 Firstly (and I must get this out of the way because it is the most important thing of all)

How I love you.

My surrender to you has been voluntary and total.

It is not just my body you have taken but my mind as well, I think about you all the time, picture you all elbows and knees for those are the impressions you share with me. 
Your face remains a blur, a secret yet to be told.

These days as we jostle for space it makes me think about autonomy.
 I was never much good at sharing yet here my body is a forerunner - instinctively siphoning off the best portion of me.
 I can only hope before you get here that my heart and mind will have learned the trick.

My life is about to changed beyond recognition
Yet I am counting down the days.
 I'm someone who jumps at the chance to leave work early and yet I am desperate to embark on what might well be the hardest work of my life.  A paradox of desire.

And I worry.
I worry about everything. questioning our ability to provide everything that you will need, physically, emotionally and spiritually, whatever that might be.

Sometimes in the quiet dark I panic that you will grow to dislike me.
 I am everything and nothing to you now but that too will pass.

You will become a toddler with a will of your own, a girl and then a woman.  

But who?

So come please baby.
Come quick and safe and be more marvellously you than I could possibly imagine.

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