Sunday, 17 March 2013

My first love

My first love

 We have never had a wedding.
There are no photographs of us lost in one another’s gaze.
People rarely applaud our romance.

But it was you and only you who captured my heart for the first time,
You wrote me a beautiful ancient love letter and I was captivated.
When I sought other lovers you gentled me with your love, the promise of more.
And then there was another.

There is no blueprint for this.
My love for you and my love for him,
 is my heart big enough?

I know I need to learn to share you somehow 
But I was never much good at sharing.
I didn’t realise how desperately I need you
 until I thought I could find everything elsewhere

but I can’t.

and I hurt with the strangeness of it all
I feel full and hollow at the same time
I think its because I’m being stretched.

This is something I’ve been considering recently. I sat down to write about it and no prose came out, that’s often the way with me, I have to unstop my words with a poem first.
 I’ve never really had a boyfriend for long enough who was serious enough to necessitate negotiating my faith with or around.

I don’t find it very easy, I think I’m learning that I have quite a private relationship with God and I find it hard to be generous with sharing it.
But I do want for me and matt to experience God together in a non manufactured way, at the moment we’re exploring what that looks like which is exciting, making plans about communities and dreaming bigger because he’s good like that while I get lost in the details. 

No comments:

Post a Comment