We have never had a wedding.
There are no
photographs of us lost in one another’s gaze.
People rarely applaud
our romance.
But it was you and
only you who captured my heart for the first time,
You wrote me a
beautiful ancient love letter and I was captivated.
When I sought other
lovers you gentled me with your love, the promise of more.
And then there was
another.
There is no blueprint
for this.
My love for you and my
love for him,
is my heart big enough?
I know I need to learn
to share you somehow
But I was never much
good at sharing.
I didn’t realise how
desperately I need you
until I thought I could find everything
elsewhere
but I can’t.
and I hurt with the
strangeness of it all
I feel full and hollow
at the same time
I think its because I’m
being stretched.
This is something I’ve
been considering recently. I sat down to write about it and no prose came out,
that’s often the way with me, I have to unstop my words with a poem first.
I’ve never really had a boyfriend for
long enough who was serious enough to necessitate negotiating my faith with or
around.
I don’t find it very
easy, I think I’m learning that I have quite a private relationship with God
and I find it hard to be generous with sharing it.
But I do want for me
and matt to experience God together in a non manufactured way, at the moment
we’re exploring what that looks like which is exciting, making plans about
communities and dreaming bigger because he’s good like that while I get lost in
the details.
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