This morning I let the baby sleep and did my workout in peace. The girls are increasingly independent in their play, I never know what I'm going to find when I happen upon them again.
I wake Leo and wander into the living room, chancing upon what looks like a family of parakeets who have unfortunately exploded all over the floor.
The colourful feathers I brought for crafting have been the center of some elaborate game. Baby delightedly crams them into his mouth.
We lie for ages in the sunshine tickling each others feet and shouting with laughter, blinded by the sun coming in at the window.
Piling on top of each other, boy child belly laughing.
So much joy feels wrong when people are dying and grieving and fighting hard.
Reconciling joy and pain again.
It possibly will take my whole life to allow these two to walk along together, natural fellows, neither diminishing the other but drawing in parallel, until Jesus comes again.
Two days later...
This morning I had that terrible groundhog Day feeling.
I pulled the covers over my head and ignored all the children
for as long as possible, it didn't help.
Snapped at Matt and scowled over my morning cup of tea.
The children can sense my ennui and are all climbing on me at once.
Yesterday this was cute, today I feel overwhelmed by the way they have so much need for
me.
I just don't want to be touched right now. I feel like I might scream.
The baby is cross, I am cross.
Middle girl is a sponge soaking up my emotions and she tantrums twice before 9am, shouting fraustration and unreasonable demands.
She scares me this mirror child.
I feel stuck and useless, I feel like life has been ruined
forever more.
We make biscuits.
I do the weekly shop very very slowly.
I come home and the day is almost over.
Easy does it.
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